Can’t find the words….

I thought about this this morning, because I couldn’t sleep and I needed to occupy my time.

I started thinking about past loves. Loves that were unrequited.  Loves that could have been, but for some reason or other, died. I find myself thinking of these folk in the middle of the night, when everything is quiet, save for the train running in the background. 

It feels….almost….abusive. And yet, abusive is too harsh a word. I tell myself that I am not allowed to think of these loves, because my perception is warped.

There are times where one malicious deed outnumbers a thousand good deeds. So why does my mind linger on these fantasies?

I then feel guilty. Like the guilt you feel about masturbating (something I wrote about in my novella). Or meeting someone for the first time and thinking of all the filthy things that must be done to that person. 

I feel emotionally stunted, by a decade. It’s not like I can “cram” for a test where everything will be just fine, but I feel like I could have been much better off by now. It’s all part of the learning process, I suppose. 

When I catch myself thinking these thoughts, smiling, moving hair from my face, rocking back and forth with nostalgia, I must be reminded that these are just memories.  Or little scenarios I’ve made up in my mind. They should be dead to me. But why aren’t they?

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t a writer. It sucks having all of these collections of characters, events, dialogue stuffed in my head. It’s too much sometimes! 

Oh well


Updates and Stuff!

Yes, yes, I have been absolutely horrible when it comes to keeping consistent content on this here blog. I won’t apologize.

So…in the middle of September, I finally finished my novella. It was great! But at the same time, disappointing. Not because of the ending, which is great, by the way, but I was expecting explosions! The sound of a book being slammed upon finishing! People taking to the streets, pumping their fists, saying “Huzzah!” That didn’t happen, and that made it very disappointing.

It reminds me of the expectations of that first few moments of intimacy with another body. You’ve spent hours, days, weeks, months, hell maybe even years spending an excessive amount of time thinking of all the interactions leading up to and during these moments.

It’s really hard to keep your expectations so low, but when your expectations aren’t met….it’s a downer. Why were there no sparks when we kissed or when we had sex? It was perfect in my mind, even the awkward moments? Bumping heads, biting lips. Then we would laugh it off. Instead, there are hole-y condoms and too much spit being swapped.

*sighs* Such is life.

So what am I doing now? Well, I was working on a sequel, but I’ve stopped. Not because it’s not something I want to do, but because, for the first time ever, I might actually have a shot of publishing something that is worthy of publication! There have been a number of publishers that I have been looking at, and many of them accept submissions in January. So I will start doing that until January. And the prepare myself for the rejections!

I think that will be my main focus until the end of the year. I’ll work on some more writing projects here and there, but my baby is my focus!

Oh, and I’ll make an effort to write more on here. I promise