Reflectors

*because that Arcade Song always comes on during the Spotify commercials*

Anyways, I’m totally seeing myself becoming more ruthless next year. But cutesy.

Why? There’s some chick who used to be my BFF and now she’s not. I tried reaching out to her the other week on Facebook, then I checked her on there (interestingly enough, to uncheck my add friend status), only to find that she had rejected it.

I don’t know why,  but I don’t care. Things had been going downhill ever since I’d told her that one of our friends had assaulted me. I actually didn’t want to tell her because I was afraid that it would create a wedge in our friendship. And lo and behold,  it probably did. This was in the beginning of 2011, and I have only seen her once since then. Texted maybe once. I saw her at her job and we had planned on going to the Chocolate Room. We had a lot of catching up to do. Her grandmother had kicked her out because she’s old and cynical.  I was madly in love with some dude I couldn’t have and madly in like with another. Never happened.

We shared tons of traumatic experiences together. It was a great bonding experience. But some of her friends sucked. One of them said he’d wished I’d been murdered. Another sabotaged my attempts at a relationship. And yeah,  that other guy. And you know,  your friends are a reflection of yourself. Just a cesspool of shit I don’t need right now. Why stick with people like those. Oh right, because that’s what you are.

So why do people I try avoiding always end up popping up when I don’t need them to? God,  just stop it. I know I’ll run into her again. I’ll keep it civil. Civility is what adults do, right? Screw civility.

It’s hard enough trying to find female friends. Especially in NYC. Especially ones who aren’t superficial and just overly emotional and shallow. But that doesn’t mean holding on to dead weight.

It bothers me that I have a dearth of female friends. Most of them are out of state,  so that foils plans of having girls night out.  I think too much like a guy. It makes me feel cold, mechanical. Sometimes I need those soft, nurturing aspects. I can connect with people on an intellectual level – that’s where I thrive. But everyone is too busy and I’m such a hermit. And many women here are painfully stupid.

But screw it. My male friends are awesome. They hold me accountable and kick my ass whenever I feel mopey and emotional. They’re like, “You can’t stay in the house all day! Let’s go get a beer and make fun of hipsters!” And who would pass on cheap (or free,  if I look really distraught) beer and making fun of the people who are sorta kinda taking over this city? Or people who pretend to like Kerouac?

So the moral of the story is quality over quantity.  Now,  time to listen to some random song that just came on my playlist.

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