I was told weeks ago that too many people were spending their lives trying to be perfect. While I spend my time trying to show the world how I am. Everything isn’t roses and saccharine. Sometimes…it really sucks.
In a moment of weakness, I tried getting into contact with someone I have no business getting in contact with. It goes against my notion of not remaining friends with an ex (and I guess I should say that I don’t consider my high school boyfriends exes, mainly because the relationships lasted so short). It’s just a rule I have.
I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the contact was brief, and I ended it again. I randomly said “Crazy eights.” He said “Ok.” I asked what he was doing. He said still teaching but was taking the day off because he had to renew his visa.
It was just like old times. As if we were old friends catching up. And I couldn’t stand it. What are you thinking? was all I could think about. It was the cycle, reset. Do something bad, get heart broken, make amends.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Good bye.” And once again, he was blocked.
Moment of weakness came again, and I consulted a friend about it. I was accused of doing the same thing as a friend was doing – being placed in the friend zone and waiting to be taken out. Obviously, the situations are different – I’m with someone, for instance. Still, I took the advice. Still blocked.
I often questioned my motives for wanting to talk, for wanting to be friends again. I already have plenty of male friends. In fact, most of my friends are guys. I don’t need anymore, especially none that have hurt my feelings. But I don’t feel hurt anymore. But it wouldn’t be right to open up myself to that situation again. I had already been through that before, being friends, having a relationship, ending it, being friends but with strings attached (no, not those strings), and then ending it. Plus, I don’t need that “I’ve known you longer” lorded over my head, even though I feel it wouldn’t happen.
*sighs* The decisions we make as adults. In the end, it boiled down to my inability to let go. It was a weird, Stockholm Syndrome type ordeal (not quite. There have been worse). Crazy/interesting how we’ll try to justify the badness by pointing out all the “good” someone has done. It really doesn’t matter. You can’t get mad at a snake for doing what it does – biting people.
So instead of cultivating a friendship through the rubble, I cut the ties. Once and for all. There is no “closure.” The media tells us that all endings must go out with a bang, that they must be spectacular. Which can be good. But failing that, the quiet way can be just as effective, if not more. Making a dramatic exit only proves how much hold and sway the other person has. In my foolishness, I left that message, simply by saying hello.
There doesn’t need to be a big sign saying “You hurt me! How could you?!” More than likely, they don’t really care. The mere fact that you’ve said you can’t do this anymore and that you’ll never talk again should be enough. And even if they try clawing their way back in, you say no.
In other news, I’ve revived the novella that I’ve been putting off. Interestingly enough I have more material for it.