No Growth

For the first time in the past few months, I feel stagnant. And miserable. And restless. I told myself that I would open myself up to any possibilities,  leap in head first instead of putting in a toe at a time. Well now I feel like I’m back at square one.

There are a few things that I feel that maybe I should do, but I’m scared. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I deserve this life.

Or maybe I’ll just wake up tomorrow, suck it up, do yoga, and try harder.

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PS I totally envy this. If only I were more organized

Excerpt

*this is taken from Chapter IV*

 

On an icy December evening, Jadyn was determined to practice. She set off to her usual practice place. However, she decided to go to the other side of town, thinking Rhiyah would not find her. Though she rather enjoyed playing this cat-and-mouse game over the past six months with him, her fighting skills had suffered greatly for it.

The chilly air seemed to strengthen her resolve. The northern winters were unforgiving and relentless. When she had first picked up fighting, she had learned that men would immerse their hands in freezing cold water for long periods, in order to strengthen them. She meditated on this as she practiced.

Within an hour, after it had grown considerably dark save for the moonlight piercing through the treetops, an uneasy feeling overcame her. She continued, but the feeling would not go away. It only grew stronger; it overwhelmed her. Her heart pounded loudly and perspiration trickled from her temples before crystallizing on her cheeks.

Standing still, she heard a rustling noise behind her – the sound of brittle frozen grass. She whirled around.

“You!” she yelled. “How long have you been here?”

From a few feet away, Rhiyah smiled. “Awhile.”

“Doing what?” she demanded.

He closed the small book he held and placed in in his coat. “Reading,” he replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Reading? Really? Reading outside in the winter? Reading in near darkness? You must think I’m stupid.” She walked towards him. “What do you want from me?” she whined. “You’ve been here ever since you met me.” She looked down at her sword and sighed.  “I am not nearly as good as I was in the summer.”

“You’re right…your hand is not as steady as it used to be,” he said as he walked around her, taking on the role of an instructor. “Are you nervous?” Rhiyah grinned. “I could help you with that.”

“Have you any idea how much I hate you, sir?” Jadyn spewed. “Do tell, what is it that you want from me?”

“I want to fight you,” he whispered.

“That’s it?” she yelled, disappointed. “That’s it, nothing else?”

Rhiyah’s lips curled into a half smile. “That’s it.”

“Then fight me!” she grasped her sword shakily and pointed it towards him. “Fight me! Why have you been pussyfooting around for so long if all you want to do is fight me?”

Rhiyah stepped back.

“Where is your sword, sir? I thought you always had it on you?”

“I – I don’t have it with me.”

“Oh, a first!” She stepped forward, still aiming her weapon at him. “Oh, this would be too easy!” She threw down her sword, made fists,  and swung at him.

Rhiyah backed away, but Jadyn kept lunging towards him.

“Fight me, dammit! That’s what you wanted, right?” Growing  impatient by his reluctance, she laughed haughtily. “Figured…” She turned around to pick up her sword when she felt a hand cover her mouth and an arm around her waist.

“What the …?” Before knowing  what was happening, her back hit the cold hard ground, knocking the air out of her. When her eyes opened , she saw Rhiyah hovering over her, his warm breath hitting her face.

“Is this your way of fighting, Rhiyah? You don’t fight fair!” She cried, punching him  several times.

“Careful. It’s cold out here.”

“Let go of me!” As she struggled, she grew weaker….

 

Sorry for the week long-ish hiatus. I’ve literally

Sorry for the week long-ish hiatus. I’ve literally been running around for the past few weeks. The good news: I got two jobs. Which means money will actually be in my pocket for a change (I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere)! It really sucked in the years of yore whenever any of my friends wanted to hang out, I would sometimes have to decline because I was mindful of stretching out that last $10 or $20, because God only knew when I would get more of it. 

Looking back, I kind of cringe and shake my head at how utterly lazy and lethargic I was up until recently-ish. Sadly, it’s a symptom of my sometimes “entitled” generation. 

Anyways, my first job is at a retail store. It’s…retail. It’s literally you’ve done one, you’ve done them all. You have the wonderful people – like the Latino guy who sounds like Seth Rogen – legit! And then there’s those anal-retentive perfectionist bots. I sometimes wonder if they realize how shitty the pay is. Surely they must know! But I digress.

Second job is a temp, but fabulous. Working as a receptionist for a nonprofit. I absolutely love nonprofits! It is easily the easiest job I’ve ever done. All I do is answer and transfer calls and open the door from my desk. Love it. I’m thinking about temping for a bit because it looks cool. And if I get consistent temp work, or maybe even doing work as an extra, then I won’t have to do the retail thing.

The bad news: I have two jobs. The receptionist job is an 8:30- 5, and the other job is 6-10, and weekends 12-8. So I’m working 7 days a week. I have zilch free time. Which is ok for now, but I’m tired all the time. I get maybe 5 hours of sleep a day. But maybe it’s karma, for all the laziness I accrued over the years. 

But enough of that! I’m excited because I finally get my new phone next week! Woot! Fist pump!